Dad, are you listening to me?
I think you fooled me my whole life. You made yourself out to be someone you weren't. In the beginning, when I was a child, I was so proud of you. I saw you simply, as the best.
You made me believe that you were perfect. I put you on a pedestal. I addored and your uniform -it made you look like a gentleman and very commanding. My heart glowed with family pride.
You were, in my eyes, an honourable man who would love and care for his family. You would never sin, break your marital vows or hurt the ones you loved. I saw you as a proud, upstanding citizen. I saw our family as perfect. You made me believe this dad. You'd puff yourself up and pat yourself on the back, telling me how wonderful you were.
As I grew, I began to realize that love didn't come from you. When I went to you for solace you turned me over to mum or my sisters. You never took time to learn about me dad. You never checked my homework, you never encouraged me to get involved in school. You never asked about my friends, you never knew where I went. You never councelled me on how to look for a job, how to make my education work -ultimately earning me a career. You never showed me how to manage money.
It was like I didn't exist.. I was just a boil on your ass. By the time I was 12 I hated you.
You know what I know of you dad? You were a fake. The man you wanted me to see was a lie. he didn't exist. You were a drunk. You were a womanizer, you beat your children and your wife. You cheated on your wife and tore our home apart. You treated everyone like a piece of shit, dad.
When you cheated with peeti it was pathetic. You would get shit faced drunk and fall all over her, trying to use your charms to win her affections. you looked like an idiot. you'd stagger around with lipstick on your face. You did this infront of me dad. You flaunted your affair to me. I was 16 you loser.. That night I saw you for what you really were. A slimeball.
You flaunted peeti in mum's face. You brought your affair right into our home dad, un-cool dude. You would come home roaring drunk and fall into bed stinking of peeti's perfume and reeking of booze. Mum had to lie beside you dad? did you ever think of that? Nice picture you loser. Then you came home in a blind rage. Mum locked you out of the bedroom, but you had to beat down the door, yank her out of bed and put the boots to her dad...there were 3 other beds in the house asshole, but no. you had to prove what a coward you were and play at master control of the bedroom. Idiot.
When I was having problems during my teen years you turned your back on me completely. I got mental illness dad. It made my behaviour difficult. In those days I guess mental illness was not recognized, but dad you had a daughter experiencing crisis after crisis. I was on drugs, I drank and you knew it. I was caught shop lifting. I was rebellious at home and we fought. You hit me dad. Many times. I can never forgive that dad. never. Why didn't you take me for a psychological examination? dad? Weren't you concerned? No you hated me.
But you know what you did to me dad? Because you never loved me - and a little girl needs her father's love - I spent the rest of my life looking for love in all the wrong places dad. I wanted your approval so badly. I wanted to be accepted as your daughter. I wanted you to hug me, to contact me. To care about me. I became a bad drinker dad, trying to wash away my pain. You did that to me dad.
When I had my son dad, you were silent. I got no letter, no gift, no card. No acknowldgement that I even had a baby. In my mind you still didn't want me to exist. For 20 years I stayed away from you dad. 20 years. You never phoned, you never wrote me a letter. I saw you twice only because you were visiting Sister#1. You never once asked my how my son was, you never took and interest in our lives. You were invisible. My son never knw his grandfather dad. Why did you ever have kids? You hated them. The Selfish bastard you are. You were a terrible parent dad. You sucked big time.
When I finally returned home, I hoped maybe time had made you gentler. More loving. Dad, as soon as you could, you drove my name into the mud to your friends and our family. You put me down - you gossiped behind my back. Gossip is hurtful dad. I knew again it was hopeless to try for at least your approval. You called me a drinker, dad. Dad you put 600 dollars of gin into you every month.. I wasn't the drinker dad. You made my aunt believe I was a druggie and a drunk.. she often thought of me as a recluse sleeping it off in the streets somewhere. What kind of father would tell his sister such lies about his own daughter. .... I tried, dad. I worked your plays. I paid attention to you only to find you were stabbing me in the back.
When you died, dad, I cried, I cried because I knew it was finally over. I would never be accepted and loved by you. It has now taken me over 17 years in the mental health system and 4 yrs of intensive therapy to understand what you did to me, dad.
I hate you. I will never think of you fondly. The legacy you left me has ruined my life dad. Fuck you.
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dad -
You were never there for me
You hit me all the time
You never appreciated anything i did
You told me i was stupid
You hit my mother
you drank too much
you cheated on your wife
you ignored me for 20 yrs.
when i tried to reach out you couldn't recieve
you never tried to accept my illness
instead you criticized me for what I was.
even in death you have found a way to ruin more of my life
Well dad, you're dead now
I don't have to listen to you
I don't have to visit you
I don't have to please you
You are dead and gone.
I can finally say it.
I hate you.
now all I have to do is shed a lifetime of hurt and disappointment.
no dad - even in death you are a fucking bastard.
The CrackWalker (Trish Poce)© 1996
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