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Player is loading. Please wait As a child, I experienced what I percieved as threats against my person. My parents believed in corporal punishment and I spanked for any number of reasons. My father was the administer of the punishments, so he became the bad guy, the one to stay away from. I was always put down, insulted and not taken seriously by my parents, or anyone after that, as a matter of fact. I was always the one they thought was the guilty party. It hurt being accused all the time, when I was innocent. One such occassion reulted in my father punching me in my face. My chosen boyfriends were also abusive in physical confrontations to verbal insults and put downs. Because of my years at home being brainwashed by my parents I always gave the boyfriends a second chance. I was sure I could no better than these jerks. So, I stayed with them. An abused housewife who thought this was how real life was. I had never known any other way. As a child my response to the fear and helplessness I felt at home was to stay in my room, out of the way. I would fear my father's wrath so fearfully I would run away from home. This behaviour started after he started physically abusing me. I did poorly in school. I could never make any friends as I had no social skills and I was always the "new kid" because my father was with the army and we moved every year or more. My parents didn't encourage me to invite friends over. I was made to "play" outside. So at an early age I became a loner, eventually, becoming a hermit. My thinking is disorganized and is particularily bad when I am under stress. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways: I dwell on the past. I can't let it go. I remember every hurt and wonder why the people were so mean. I have lived my life as my parents would have liked, because, I was afraid of disappointing them and insuring they would never love me. They were always present in my mind when I made a decision about anything. I would automatically think about what pleased them. Not what pleased me. I get so depressed when this is feeling is active. Remembering the hurts they put upon me make me want to insure them even more that I was innocent of whatever the charge was and wish them to love me. My parents never told me they loved me. Many times a traumatic event will pop into my mind by some sort of trigger and I relive it yet again. I can drift off into disassociative phases and relive the events that I felt so hurtful and unfair. I replay the event in my mind and actually have conversations with the offender, trying to make some sense of what had happened. I can see the event playing before my eyes as if it was a ghostly scene. Then, something will jar my thoughts and I come back to reality and feel dreadful. I dream about the injustices and these dreams always turn into the most horrible nightmares that leave me in a cold sweat. These dreams seem to be played in sequels, adding to the main story as time goes on. It's scary to go to sleep sometimes and I lose sleep and then make myself an insomniac. The flashbacks I get are worsened when I drink alcohol. They are vivid and in living colour. You could swear you are right back there experiencing it again. This causes me intense depression. Quite often in real time, if something happens to me that mimics the past I lose it. I become intensly distressed and suffer psychologically. There are many triggers that can bring this on, but it is usually rejection or misblieving me. This sets off a chain reaction of unpleasant thoughts, emotions and hurtful thoughts. I usually end up harming myself in someway when this happens. I tend to avoid situations that can trigger and episode. I try not thinking of the events or conversations that might be of an upsetting nature related to the original trauma. I have left activities I enjoyed for this reason as well. I spent alot of time just not interested in life at all. I have become a hermit. I try to avoid people now so I don't have triggers to recollect the trauma. I feel estranged from people around me. This is very lonely, especially when those people are my family. All my life, I was sure I would never be the one to make the grade. I am even sure I will not have a long life span either. I have enormous problems with falling and staying asleep. I sleep in 1-4 hour cycles. I never get a long sleep unless I am drugged. My anger gets pent up inside as I deal with daily life. I feel like a time bomb about ready to go off on bad days. My thinking gets disorganized ands I have trouble concentrating on anything very long. I cannot read a book for this reason. I read a page or two and realize I have no idea what I read. This happens because the book has little triggers in it and as i am reading my mind is reliving an event. These feelings have been a common occurance for as long as I remember. I thought everyone felt like I did. Then I found out it was pstd. American Description Diagnostic Criteria: The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:
Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:
Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than 1 month. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Specify if: Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than 3 months Chronic: if duration of symptoms is 3 months or more Specify if: With Delayed Onset: if onset of symptoms is at least 6 months after the stressor Associated Features: Depressed Mood Somatic/Sexual Dysfunction Guilt/Obsession Addiction |