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Socialphobia and me
View my videos on my diagnosis on youtube.com - http://www.youtube.com/thecrackwalker
Being Socialphobic means I have a never ending fear of social situtations. I feel that my behavior will be scrutinized by others and I will be poorly judged. When I feel this way I get panicy and have to leave the situation.
Living with socialphobia is very depressing. I have become housebound over the years. I feel like I have self-imposed a life sentence of solitary confinement. I get very lonely but I cannot do anything about it. With my other illnesses in various stages of coming and going I can feeling so bad I just want to end it all. The pain at these times is indescribable.
My illness has manifested to a point where I can no longer enjoy my life. I can't leave my house without a great deal of stress. Some days I am okay to go to familiar places like doctors offices or to the grocery store. Bad days will find me locked in my house with the curtains drawn hiding from "them". I have not been able to work in the last 20 years. I can't go places alone. I never for coffee. I can't go to a movie. I miss all the attractions coming to town. I have trouble visiting my grandchildren.
My Triggering Symptoms:
1). Going out - This is a major task if I make myself do it. I worry so deeply I find it hard to just get ready to go. My apprehension usually starts the day before I have to go. I need to know I have clothes to wear, what the weather will be like and how I'm going to get there. I double check the address a dozen times and will even cruise the area a day or two before so I won't get lost. I plan exactly what time I will need to start to get ready and what streets I will take. If I can't figure this out I won't go. I worry that I won't wake up on time and I miss the appointment. Or I get scared that I will totally forget the appointment entirely. This would produce feelings of embarrassment and humiliation.
2). Public Performance - When I do get out in public I am tortured by fear and anxiety. My stress level goes to an all time high. For instance, if I go to the store I am sure "they" are watching me walk. I get so self-consicious that I get very stiff-legged and trip over things. Like the cracks in the sidewalks. This humiliates me and I then fear falling over. By the time I get to my destination I am in the panic zone. My mind can't think. I begin to fear I have soiled my panys and get scared that "they" will see. So I quickly I grab what I can remember and leave. Most of the time I have forgotten 1 or 2 items and have to repeat the process. This sort of adventure leaves me feeling exhausted and it take me the rest of the day to recover. If I have to sign something I get very nervous. I am sure the person watching my hand siging my signature is thinking I am a crook and doing forgery. My blood pressure feels like its way up there and my face goes red. I feel humiliated and I just want to get out of there as fast as I can.
3). Meeting strangers - Being introduced to someone at work, school, or at some public event is extremely difficult and awkward. I am so afraid that they are judging me as to my appearance and my intellect. I begin to sweat, my heart races and my ears ring. I can barely hear what the person is saying. I react as if I do and try to change the subject. If feel so out of place. I leave after a little bit because I feel so uncomfortable. I have to get away from the situation.
4). Being criticized - I think this is the worst part for me. When my perfomance is criticized for doing a poor job at something, I get so embarrassed. I am humiliated that I didn't achieve their standards. I perspire, my mind races, I feel guilty and i want to quit whatever it is and leave to hide my shame. I think they are saying I'll never be able to the job properly. I take it very personally. I feel like my world just crashed in around my ears and that I am the biggest loser. I am sure I am the only one to have screwed up.
5). Being the center of attention - When attention is directed towards me I begin to panic. I worry about my appearance. My whole being freezes. I can't think or speak. I forget instantly what the topic was and search my brain for the answer. My brain goes to mush and I cannot form a thought. I am intensly aware that they are waiting for a response and they are going to judge my whole personality on the next words I utter. I stay quite in public so I won't be noticed.
6). Public speaking - I couldn't do it in school and I can't do it now. It is major stage fright I guess. There is no way I'll ever find myself in a situation like that ever again.
7). People in authority - I feel like a sub-human around these people. I am sure my doctor knows everything about me and my body and judges me negatively. If I speak with someone in uniform I am sure they think I am a fugative. I am sure they are judging my every move and see all my faults. I feel small, unintelligent and I react in wierd ways. I fear people will not understand me.
8). Embarrassing easily - Embarrassment is humiliating. If I think I had done something to embarrass myself I can never forget the incident. It mortifies me every time I think about it. It lives with me forever. If I embarrass myself I blush. I am inetensly aware that it is noticable and this humiliates me. I get so distressed I wash my face in cold water to make it go away.
9). Meeting someone's eyes - I can't meet someone elses eyes. I look for a second and then look away. It unnerves me to no end. If I get caught looking up then I get so nervous that I forget what I am saying. I forget the whole topic. Then I feel dumb and think the person I am with will consider me really stupid.
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Even though now I can put a name on what is wrong with me I cannot fix the problems that go along with it. I remain at a distance from others.
My Life and Socialphobia
Early Years
Let me start at the beginning. I have had socialphobia all my life. My earliest memories related to socialphobia were of quitting a ballet class. I was about 6 years old at the time and already I was comparing myself to others my age. I thought my knees looked deformed and everyone was judging me. My clothes didn't fit they were too big for me. It was humiliating to point of pain. I cried to myself because I felt so inadequate. I didn't know how to explain it to my mother and I was afraid to let her down. Still I pleaded with her to allow me to quit.
Another episode was the time I took piano lessons. I couldn't perform for the private tutor because of stress. I couldn't make him understand I practiced my lesson. When he came for the next lesson my fingers hit all the wrong keys. I was sure he considered me a complete and hopeless case. I crucified myself about my failure to please him. I learned by now to call myself stupid. So again I quit.
The worst part of my childhood was school and its related tortures. Oh I hated school. My younger years in school were sheer torture. There were so many things that I couldn't cope with. I couldn't make friends because they thought I was aloof and so a "snob". My first year I was late everyday in the winter. I think my mother thought I could cover the distance faster than I did and didn't send me in time. I'm not relly sure. It was terribly humiliating to walk in late and have all eyes upon you. You wished the floor would swallow you whole. I would get very hot and sweaty and begin to get stomach problems. I'd spend the class worrying if my body was going to betray me really humilate me. It felt like the entire class was focused on my and I was being judged about a thousand things.
We were quite often compared to one another in class. "Look at so and so they are doing it better". "Go play with the others they are having fun". I was never the one to be compared to. I was never considered "one of them". I stayed in the sahdows so not to be noticed.
Track and field was just a day of inner turmoil at its worst. I hated that day. I was forced to try all the activities. Here you were expected to run and jump and hop and be the best one. I never did well. I was not built for sports. I ended up with the loser's ribbon (everyone got a ribbon no matter what they did). I stuffed in my pocket so no one would know I was a loser. I failed at everything in school - even my class picture was always dorky and I was ashamed to look at it myself never mind have the whole school see it. Finally I failed a grade. Mortification. That's the only way to describe my feelings.
I can remember walking to school and worrying about some homework i hadn't completed and being terrified of the punishment. In those days you got the strap. I began to have suicidal thoughts. I was in grade 5. So many times I wished the world would just open up under me and swallow me whole.
Teen years
My hermit abilities were mastered by grade seven. I was not accepted by "the gang" in my neighbourhood and so spent my time alone in my room. My early teen years were horrible. I was so ashamed of myself for my failings, scholarly or personal. I felt I could never please anyone. I thought I was of no importance. My behaviour by this time was really bad. I was seen as a rebellious kid. Really all I was trying to do was avoid situations I couldn't cope with. School was one of them.
In High School having to take part in Physical Education Class (PE) was a torture. In this class you are scrutinized for any physical failings, the style of your underwear, the tan on your legs. We had to wear little blue bloomer type outfits. It was humilating there my legs were on display again. So I ducked PE as often as I could. I felt despised by the "classy" girls. I wasn't able to break into their cliques. I felt inferior again. I was swimming in a sea of confusion.
People in authority scared me, people in uniform were meant to be obeyed immediately, principals were people I had to avoid at all costs. I felt they all had something I would never acheive. I felt I was always two steps behind in my thinking and my abilities. I had only 1 friend at a time. My friendships never lasted.
In my mid-teens I began experiencing deep depressions and exciting highs- Borderline Personality Disorder was making itself known. My thinking was warped and I percieved things completely out of context. I began using any drug that was popular. I hated my home, I was miserable. My family life was in turmoil. All I wanted was peace. Suicidal thoughts began to enter my mind again and I would visualize my death and the aftermath. I began to see it become a source of relief from the pain I was living.
AdultHood
As my illness became more serious I ended up quitting school, leaving home and lived on my own. I tried roommates but it never worked out. I couldn't take anyone in my space, I needed to be alone most of the time.
Dating was painful to say the least. The stress of wearing the right clothes, having perfect skin, not weighing too much, your hair, your make-up! I was always tongue-tied and felt like a dull date. When I got home later I would berate myself for being a dork. I never got asked out more than a few times by the same guy. That was hard on the ego.
I worked but could never last for more than 6 months at a time. I felt like such a "fuck up" on the job. I was intensly aware my performance was on display and being rated. Monthly reviews of my performance were unbearable. I hated them. The inner fear was tremendous. I hate having to prove myself. Its so totally unnerving. I never made friends on the job because I felt so inferior to everyone. The periods between jobs became longer and longer until finally I just couldn't do it anymore. I was looked down upon for my poor attendance. Losing job after job for one reason or another did nothing for building up any of my self-esteem.
I often had to rely on the welfare system to help me. To cover my pain and blot out the misery I continued to use drugs. I had stopped using recreational drugs and was now drinking heavily. I became more and more of a recluse. Staying in my house for days and weeks at a time, leaving only for a few supplies to keep me going. The only thing that I left the house for was food and cigarettes.
I didn't know about my illness most of life. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my early 40's. By this time the stress of the work-a-day world was too much for me to handle anymore. I fell apart. I began to actively try and end my life. After a particularly close attempt I was thrown into the local psych hospital and I have been in treatment ever since. I recieve therapy every two weeks at the moment and my condition is listed as guarded. I am learning about my illness and ways to cope.
I have a dread of running into someone when I am out and about. The fear is indescribable. If I see someone that I feel I have to talk to I try to hide, I avoid eye contact, I act as if I'm busy looking at something. This is quite useful in stores where survey people accost you. If I do get cornered by someone I try my best to look interested and try to smile at everything they say. I am so full of fear that I'm simply not there anymore. My brain does this thing where it turns off and I my mind wanders. I don't hear a darn thing the person is telling me. I am quite aware it is happening but to ashamed to say so. My brain is frozen in fear of being caught at being inattentive. I drop out in the middle of a conversation and walk away. This makes me appear absent minded and is this is also humiliating. My brain goes into freeze mode when I am addressed unexpectedly. It's like getting a jolt from the skies.
Whenever I'm in a situation where I have to talk to someone new or make small talk either nothing comes out or my voice cracks. I give one word answers. This leads to a very uncomfortable situation and we both drift our own separate ways. Horrible. I feel I cannot face that person again because they think I am a total idiot. For this reason it is nearly impossible for me to make friends.
The last few years have been dreadful. I am off all psych meds except nozinan (methotripraminzine). I take 15 mgs of that if I am super stressed and can't handle it. I have suffering debilitating depression, anxiety and stress along with my socialphobia. All of them are in the full blown stage. Its gruesome. I smoke my pot every couple of hours and it gets me by the rough stages.
I have totally isolated myself this time. I try to get out but usually fall on the couch exhausted by the effort or so bummed out by my depression I just can't do it. The words "I can't, I can't" echo in my head. "I need help, I need help". I don't ask for help because I don't want to seem stupid.
Not everyone suffers from this illness exactly the same so if you have a story to add I would love to hear from you at:
Email me your socialphobia story
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