I get so lonely and depressed. Sooooooo depressed. I can't even cry anymore. I just feel so empty so unloved. So uncared for. Because of my socialphobia I cannot mingle with anyone- anywhere. I feel so inadequate I never go or I get an overwhelming need to leave where ever I am. I'm alone. My siblings are long gone. My husband never loved me and has been out of the picture for almost 20 years. I never remarried and since 1989 I have been alone.
For a while I could go out. I joined a theatre group and worked a play a year. I did this for about 10-12 years. My mother died in 2005 and I had no one to spend time with anymore. I became a recluse. My Socialphobia kicked in big time and I think I now have Agoraphobia as well. Anyways, it makes for a lonely lifestyle.
Most times I can amuse myself on the computer or watch TV or do a craft. It keeps my mind occupied and the hell with the rest. When I get "sick" I cannot do any of the above. My self-imposed life sentence of solitary confinement comes to a grinding stand still. I can't go out and I can't entertain my brain.
I wish fervently for a way to get someone to drop in for a coffee. I need human contact. I think they call it bush fever up north. But because I am a hermit, there is no one to call. I sit at my window and look outside. Too scary, I can't let anyone see me so that's out too.
I used to call my sisters when I got like this. But they don't seem to ever call back to see how I'm doing. My parents were not very good at raising kids. They provided food and clothing and a roof over our heads but showed nor demonstrated any love. There were four kids in our family and none of us grew up with any love. No one knows how to care about the other one. I think of that when I'm lonely. I miss the love I have never had. I want someone to love me.
I long for a friend that would understand my illness. Someone who will understand the pain I live with and put up with my ways. I am afraid to go out. where would I go to meet a person? It takes me a very long time to trust anyone. How could I manage to stay well long enough to kindle a relationship with someone? There is no answer to that. I have tried all kinds of self-help classes. I met no one. I went to the class and as soon as it was over I left. I felt like such an outsider and that I didn't fit in. I thought they were smarter than me. I didn't think they were as sick as me. I was embarrassed of my stupidity.
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