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Read what I have to say about mental illness and pot. Read the personal stories from fellow crackwalkers
Some of the major disorders discussed and explained.
BPD Criteria Explained
Criteria #1
Criteria #2
Criteria #3
Criteria #4
Criteria #5
Criteria #6
Criteria #7
Criteria #8
Criteria #9
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BPD Criteria 8 - The Criteria Explained a Little More Clearly
(8). inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
The player will show in this paragraph
If you have BPD you've likely experienced rage. In BPD, this rage is either an outward rage (most common) or the sufferer drives it all inside. That's what I do. I hold it in and it festers - a life time in my case. BPD rage is lightning fast and in a flash it can disappear or last for a few hours or a few days.
The rage is usually taken out and or directed at those closest to me. Although it is difficult for me to get close (and stay close) to others. Whether or not a relationship is close matters not. This dissociative experience leaves both me and those who care about me in the line totally baffled. Like as if to say "what the fuck just happened?" Those watching my rage find little sense at all for what is happening. For me however, I am experiencing my past due to triggers. I am constantly waiting for the abuse or rejection/abandonment to replay itself. Like PTSD (posttraumatic stress syndrome{shell shock}).
This might be the major reason why most borderlines are also extremely controlling of those around them and their environment. It is an effort to control themselves. Most BPD's I have met deny the controlling aspect of their illness. Not because they think they are better than that, but they can't identify it. They can't see the behaviour because they are caught up in trying to make their warpped reality work.
This is the root of all my rage and pain as well. I grew up learning to think "distorted thoughts". My way of thinking, feeling my rage, and acting out continue to replay themselves in my mind. The actions of a child continue to play out, no matter how old I get because I am thinking like I did as a child. The root of my rage is my anger. At the root of my anger is the hurt and the pain, the devastation of what I have had to endure in my past.
BPD rage, appears to be about control, on the surface. It isn't really. The rage is simply me trying so desperately to not feel "old" pain on top of a fair amount of pain in the here and now as well. Rage is born of lostness so deep and profound that I feel perpetually like a helpless child.
If I perceive you as close, the push (bouts of rage) & pull (the idea of feeling safe with the closeness of my relationship). Becomes stressfull. I like the idea of feeling safe with the closeness of my relationship, but when it coincides with bouts of rage, I begin feeling unsafe with anyone close, feeling exposed if known, feeling too damaged to ever be understood, valued and respected.
Where does the rage come from? I am just as surprised and shocked by my raging behaviour as are my friends, partners, and relatives. I figure that my rage at the world, at those around me, at anyone who dared to care or tried to get or stay close was born out of my own pain. A profoundly deep pain.
What happened many times for me, in trying to be close to others, was a projection/transference kind of thing, onto them, by me in which they would become a parent figure (this is subconscious). The people I was closet with would represent to me all of my past loss. So, in being close I would be waiting for the rejection and abandonment and neglect and abuse that I had recieved during my childhood.
When I rage I hurt.
How do we deal with the rage? Well that's an enitrely different series. :) What's important is you recognize it for what it is, and you take steps to not inflict it on your familes.
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